"So, word on the street has it that somebody propositioned Tanzy and her weird friend at the ball. Did they accept? I THINK SO!"
"Tony Blair was sighted snogging Caio behind the punch table."
"Harry Potter and all the Gryffindors looked stupid and ugly tonight. Why do they let the house elves dress them?!"
"Fred and George Weasley were caught doing something together. Is it lust? Is it love? FIND OUT on the next DAYS OF OUR LIVES. My mummy watches that."
"Now, some of this might not be true, but the people have THE RIGHT TO KNOW. Tony Blair says so."
- eleven-year-old Linden's pamphlet
Linden: *singsong* Caio's in love with Graaaainne, and they're going to have babies and Tony Blair will preside over the wedding.
Linden: And Grainne will go out and make money and Caio will cry all the time because he's on pills. And then Grainne will come home and say "WHY ISN'T SUPPER READY" and Caio will cry.
Linden: NEWS IN THE MAKING!
Linden: Hey, Grainne! I heard you and Caio were getting busy!
Grainne: I wouldn't call it 'busy'. He's got blocked pipes.
Linden: .......... what's "blocked pipes"?
Grainne: .... *goes over to whisper to Linden*
Linden: ..................... ^__________________________^
Linden: News news news news news!
Grainne: *beams prettily*
Linden: *glomps Grainne, goes to write it down with new pen, dictating* And Grainne is one of Caio's many "dissatisfied women"...
Grainne: Oh, I wouldn't say I was dissatisfied... more unfufilled.
Grainne: No I in women, pet.
Siobhan: *drawls* Word is that Grainne herself leaves many dissatisfied customers in her wake, too.
Linden: ... *changes it*
Linden: LIKE YOU?
Linden: Only I hope Caio didn't die in the big mob of people outside. *goes back to work*
Caio: *flops in momentarily, covered in bites, scratches, wounds and injuries, bleeds on the floor and is dragged back out again by Angry Mob*
Linden: *happily* Look, he didn't die!
Julia> ::strides past, wearing a helmet and carrying a bazooka:: Good work, Ballesteros, you made them rowdy... ::snaps goggles on, proceeds into the fray::
Linden: *beams at Grainne* Caio is the Queen of the Cows.
Julia> ::reenters dragging Diggory:: Inciting mobs because Pritchett calls you a nancy poofter doesn't look good on your record
Diggory> ::sobbing like a little girl::
Grainne: She called him a nancy poofter? *glows in pride*
Linden: ^________________________^ You looked good on the front page, Cedric!
Caio: ....... don't let Madam Pomfrey touch me she is a shemale.
Linden: Sooooo, Cedric, is it true that you're shagging Oliver Wood and Harry Potter?
Linden: *smug* That's not what Grainne says.
Linden: And she's cooler and nicer and has better posture and knows more people than you do.
George> Of course, any moment of true happiness and she gets her soul back
Linden: *suddenly beams* I can go on a mission to Find Your Soul! I'll find Caio's virginity with it.
Siobhan: Oh, Linden, I think both are long, long gone and out of your reach.
Linden: *pokes Caio kindly with a stick* Feeling better?
Caio: *cries* Ginny Weasley gave me a nipple-gripple.
George> .. she did? ::beams with pride::
Siobhan: *hands Linden another chocolate frog* Find us Big Foot then, pet. It'll be easier than find than Edwards' conscience.
Grainne: *gives Linden a chocolate frog* Find us the heir of Slytherin, sweetie, it's easier than finding my first choice of Siobhan's libido.
Linden: ... I could be the heir of Slytherin!
Linden: I would wear pink robes ALL DAY and have monsters for PETS and eat SUGAR.
Siobhan: *sweetly* Any and all desire for another human being gets leeched out of my by you, Edwards.
Grainne: *beams* I know that some girls obsess, Callahan, but you will love again.
Linden: *sulks* I'll still be the heir of Slytherin. JUST WATCH ME.
Kelby: Wasn't that last year? We're supposedly angsting over different stuff now.
Caio: I want to get to next year with hot French chicks!
Linden: *glomps Caio boisterously* You'll be fine in no time! *sticks a Barbie bandaid on a small cut on his face* See?
Linden: Remember, Caio, hope springs from a urinal. ^___________^
Linden: *beams prettily*
Siobhan: Ah, right. You're an old hand at this.
Grainne: *beams* Au contraire, my hands are young, smooth and fresh.
Siobhan: *grins* So the stories about the blood of virgins is true then?
Grainne: Well, it's so bloody hard finding virgins around here lately. I've been thinking of bleeding out Killian for at least a good facemasque.
Kelby: *stares at Linden, wondering where she gets this* Linden makes me want to never have kids.
Caio: *mutters* You have that right. She makes me want to get the snip-snip.
Linden: *hops over to George* I'm cute and evil! Give me sugar!
George> Fancy a Canary Cream, Linden? ::offers::
Linden: ... Can I give it to Caio instead?
Siobhan: *mutters* No one thinks Tanzy's really going to explain deep-throating to that little one, do they?
Grainne: Of course she won't. She'll say it's a Quidditch move.
Linden: *from the other room, wails* BUT YOU DON'T PLAY QUIDDITCH AND GRAINNE SAID... *trails off*
Kelby: *to Julia* Oh, Tanzy's doing it with George nowadays.
Julia> ::pertinant look at Caio::
Caio: *froths idly*
Siobhan: *edges over to Grainne, eyeing her warily, mutters* Cease fire, right? Has Flint really been a regular little author?
Grainne: *shudders* Flint's poison pen is a house legend.
Siobhan: Vivid imagination, huh?
Grainne: Vividly frightening, my dear duck. I do believe his most romantic line ever was "stick it to her like she was a Muggle in a Voldemort uprising".
Grainne: Also, once he turned his dick green. *with relish*
Siobhan: *eyes light up* Really? Why on earth?
Grainne: *beams* He was trying to make his little men taste pepperminty.
Siobhan: *doubles over giggling* Peppermint? Why on earth? He didn't want the girl rushing off to brush her teeth?
Tanzy: *wanders out, looking worn*
Linden: *follows Tanzy, dragging a blanket and five stuffed rabbits behind her*
Tanzy: *sighs, whimpers* ... she made me tell her some stuff.
Linden: *calmly puts the blanket over Caio's head and places the rabbits ritually around him* Now you're safe from everything, Caio. Mr Bunny and his Bionic Bunny Children will protect you.
Caio: ..... *pushes the blanket away from his head* Why the bunnies?
Linden: *goes teary-eyed* They protect you from the monster under the futon. My mummy said so.
Linden: *cuddles Tanzy* ... Can you explain again about the numbers, Tanzy? I don't think I understand it yet.
Caio: *sits up* I'll explain! In song!
Tanzy: *sighs, cuddles Linden* What don't you get?
Linden: Stay with the bunnies! *glares at him*
Linden: I don't get why.
Linden: Or exactly how.
Caio: *wisely* Why, Linden, is a mystical, magical, thing.
Tanzy: *pink-cheeked* Because, I suppose, it feels nice. And the how... Well...
Linden: ......... actually I donwanna know. Caio's got that dumb grin on his face that means it's really dirty.
Caio: *air-guitars* When a maaaa~aaaan loves a wooo~maaan...
Tanzy: *reaches behind her to swat Caio ineffectively*
Linden: *throws a brick at Caio*
Grainne: *flings her scarf at Caio*
Narcoleptic Argentinian> SEEEEEE-van! Jou don't hav' to wear that DRESS to-nite!
Tanzy: *sighs, hugs Linden* You're going to break him and then we can't play with Caio any more, you know.
Linden: Welll... Madam Pomfrey said Caio needed to sleep, right? So I hid a brick in a bunny and made him sleep.
Grainne: *beams, gives Tanzy the thumbs-up, starts writing erotic haiku on Caio's calves*
Siobhan: *moves to read the haiku* Hm, like a supple willow, huh?
Grainne: *still writing* What's another word for 'meatrod'?
Linden: *helpfully* 'Joystick'.
Siobhan: *thinks* Staff of power.
Linden: Pepperoni stick!
Grainne: *beams* Just pointing out that some women are more stacked than others, ducky. *pokes her on the chest* Some of us have Snitches, some of us have Quaffles.
At midnight on every full moon, Caio turns into Grainne.
Caio: ........ *hysterically* DO YOU REALIZE I WAS JUST STRIPPED NAKED AND TRIBALLY INSCRIBED UPON BY JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM
Mandy> ::chirps:: I didn't!
Caio: *dignified* Thank you.